The naked truth

Nudist colonies are just plain gross. I don’t have anything against the human body. After all, the Renaissance showed us that nothing could be more beautiful than a man’s junk carved out of marble or a topless woman with no arms. But David and the Venus de Milo are the last naked bodies you’re likely to see walking in a naked wonderland.

For one thing, you’re not going to see hot, nubile bodies sprawled out sensually on the beach, sand clinging to moist skin, like in that Chris Isaak video. Youth is that time of your life when you’re most likely going to have that tight, healthy, smooth body that society deems attractive, and yet young people are most self-conscious about their shape and its details. But as you get older, you begin to develop that “fuck you/whatever” attitude that many old people possess.

Normal Person: “You have saggy moobs [man-breasts].”

Proud Nudist #1: “Fuck you.”

Normal Person: “I think those gray hair patches originated in your ears.”

Proud Nudist #2: “Whatever.”

As you get older, you get a better job than being someone’s bitch in retail or food services. You then get a bigger paycheque. From there, you can get your life together (new clothes lead to increased self-confidence, which brings happiness, which in turn brings about the desire for the ultimate freedom: being bare-ass naked in public).

But you also get old and wrinkly. That’s okay, and kind of beautiful in a circle of life, Lion King kind of way, but not in the buff. Not when you hear Gramps grumble about “still finding sand in all sorts o’places.”

Nudist colonies aren’t evil and I certainly wouldn’t ask that they all be shut down. I’m just saying different strokes for different folks—as long as they’re not stroking themselves…. Well, I won’t go there. But maybe if you go there, you’ll trim some of those wayward hairs, perhaps do some sit-ups.

Whatever.

- Girl on the Corner (baring it all in the name of truth)