My Bubble

I live in a bubble. I love my bubble. I find that news stories make me angry and sad and I don’t like that. I don’t want to read about feral children, and beheadings on busses, and teenagers shot at house parties. I want news to go back to how it was when I was a kid. When times were simple and, well, let me give you some examples:

1992 – A 35-year-old car mechanic, a housewife, and a teenager involved in a torrid love triangle. Joey Buttafuoco, a prince among men, started an affair with 16-year-old Amy Fisher. Joey treated Amy like a queen—he had sex with her in seedy motel rooms and then went home to his wife and children, he set her up with an escort agency when she was low on cash, he even gave her herpes. So, of course, it was totally understandable that she would fall deeply in love with him, so deeply in fact, that she figured out a way to get rid of the other woman, Joey’s wife Mary Jo. Amy shot Mary Jo in the face. Didn’t kill her, but you could tell the intention was there.

1993 – If you marry a guy with a hillbilly name, he’s probably going to be trouble (I know that sounds like maybe somebody famous said that, but really I just made it up on the spot.) Lorena Bobbitt found that out the hard way. Her husband, John Wayne Bobbitt raped her, forced her to have an abortion, abused her for years until one day she got so fed up that she cut off his penis. Then, she got in her car, penis still in hand, drove for a while and threw it out the window into a field. She then called 911, they found the severed penis, and sewed it back on. The best part of this whole episode, though, is after John Wayne got his penis back, he became a porn star. Seriously. A porn star. I think that just speaks for itself.

1994 – Remember when you were a teenager, and there was always that girl that was just a little bit better than you? Maybe she played the flute better or played basketball better. And maybe you mentioned this girl to your boyfriend, and being the type who only wants to fix your problems he took a bat and attacked this girl after practice one night. That’s what happened when figure skating champion Tonya Harding’s husband, Jeff Gillooly heard about little Nancy Kerrigan. What’s funny is that I’m really not sure how big of a story this would have been if Gillooly wasn’t such a fun name to say.

I’m sure Mary-Jo, John Wayne, and Nancy didn’t think these were such amusing stories, but for the rest of the world, they were entertainment. It’s these stories that I allow in my bubble. So now you know.