Great Dane

With punk music, there's no in between. You either love it or you hate it.

That's how it works with Dane Cook -- you either love him or you hate him. I would say I love him. I own all his albums, can quote from nearly all his routines and even downloaded a song of his from the magical world of iTunes. As well, I am pants crappingly excited to see him when he comes to perform in town in the next few months. Gear!

I don't, however, love his movies. Unless a cameo in Waiting counts, 'cause that movie is hilarious. His insane, wacky sense of humour (think "BK Lounge" and "Heist/Monkey") doesn't come across in films. He fails as an even remotely convincing actor, despite his leading man looks, the sort Hollywood producers feel the need to possess and exploit -- and why? It's doing nobody a lick of good.

He's cast in the dumbest of plots -- 30-ish slacker tries to win the girl of his dreams by winning a cashier competition (Employee of the Month). A 30-ish slacker tries to win the girl of his dreams by avoiding all romantic entanglements with her for fear she will fall for someone else (Good Luck Chuck). A 30-ish slacker dates the girl of his best friend's dreams to convince her she would be better off in that relationship (My Best Friend's Girl). Those are what I call "falling down comedies," where the writers are so desperate for cheap laughs, they write in some silly bits where the characters inexplicably fall down (think Teri Hatcher in Desperate Housewives).

And dumber still is the plethora of beauties he tangos with: Jessica Simpson, Jessica Alba and Kate Hudson (okay, she's not really dumb, but she kinda had to be to sign up for a Dane Cook movie. Come on! She was in Almost Famous!).

I guess what I'm trying to say is Stop the madness, Dane! Stop making crappy movies! Stop making movies period! And if you try too hard to be funny, you end up being unfunny and then I'm afraid I would have to join my father on the dark side...and hate you.

-Girl on the Corner (craving a chicken sangwich at the BK Lounge)