Why can't life be like it is in movies? Well, maybe not Joe Wet Cow's movies...

The following are some daily awkward bits that make us all look like stupid-heads.

- When someone waves over your head, but it looks like they're waving at you, and you think you might sort of/kind of know then, so you don't want to be rude by not waving back, so you wave back, and then they wonder who you're waving at. Weirdo.

- When your underwear is crawling up your crack. In public. Then you spend the rest of the day trying to wriggle it down. (Because you wouldn't think to use the bathroom.)

- When the person with the itty-bitty phone set to silent ring answers it with a loud "Hello!" while standing right next to you. And you say hello back, even though you don't know who it is, and then they glare at you and say, "Not you." They totally deflect their awkwardness onto you. With a vengeance.

- When you try to scratch your elbow. That's just impossible.

- When you try to laugh your way out of any of this stupidness by doing that unnecessary "heh-heh" laugh to fill the awkward silence.

-Girl on the Corner

Housekeeping

Here are a few things that piss me off as we go into May (and the rest of summer):

• Motorcycle noise and the ensuing complaints about it. Yes, the motorcyclists are loud jackasses with no respect for your nervous puppy, colicky newborn or near-death grandma. (They probably drive Saturns and sport khakis throughout the rest of the year.) But every year -- EVERY YEAR -- the complaints begin escalating from the tame ("Gosh, those motorcycles are too loud") to mild ("Buddy needs to lose the muffler. Seriously!") to spicy ("I am going to take that jerk-face's Hog and ride it up his ass!"). The complaints turn to angry letters to the local newspapers and eventually death threats toward these weekend Hell's Angels, until Joe Blow is going to whip out his station wagon and take one of them down. For the most part, the bikes are loud so your dumb, minivan-drivin' ass hears them while they're cruising in the lane next to you before you fatally cut them off in traffic.
  

• Swine flu. This is a public health announcement: This little piggy went to Mexico. This little piggy stayed home. This little piggy got swine flu. This little piggy got scared. And THIS little piggy went wee wee wee all the way to quarantine. We can't stop idiots from charging Speedo first into Mexico, but please just wash your hands before, during and after everything you touch. At home and away.

Thank you. That is all.
-Girl on the Corner (using a flu mask for a helmet)

Who's watching you?

It seems to be the general consensus that Americans are the most paranoid people on earth. Being an American I'll admit that I'm paranoid part of the time, and I don't take it the extreme as my Canadian neighbor does. When she's on vacation for a FEW DAYS, she'll get someone to check her mail and use a timer for her lights in the house. If I'm gone for two weeks then I'll use the timer for our lights inside, but I don't bother with the mail.

Anyways, with all the talk of "Big Brother," being monitored by the government, illegal immigrants, drug wars on the Mexican/U.S. border, and the economy who isn't gonna be paranoid? I'd be more paranoid about the economy than the others. That's just me though. The U.S. government complains that they don't have enough border patrol agents to police the area. Well, when you get thrown in PRISON for shooting a Mexican drug dealer in the ass who would apply for the job?

I'm a bit off topic again. There's a site where ANYONE can monitor Texas' portion of the border. Like you don't have anything else to do, right? Well, apparently one woman in New York spends four hours a day watching. FOUR HOURS!! That's like four episodes of Lost, a bunch of really long showers including shaving, doing several loads of laundry, half a days work, and eight episodes of My Name Is Earl! If you're a mother of a baby, do you think you have time to devote four hours of your day to watching the border?

All I can say is "WHAT THE F***?!!"

You can check out the full story on CNN. The link to the border watching site is there as well.

What the hell is wrong with you people?

How many times have you struggled with your blanket on the couch, or haven't been able to find anything in your oversized, overstuffed purse? Maybe you have too many wine stains in your white shag carpet. Or you watch TV loud enough to disturb your spouse.

Then you need any easy answer from an informercial!

The informercial is having a sort of renaissance with the massive hit "The Snuggie" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xZp-GLMMJ0). This is the blanket alternative for retards who can't use a blanket. What the hell is wrong with you Snuggie-ites?! You're paying $19.99 for a backwards housecoat! But the most loathesome part is the woman struggling under her blanket. It's a blanket, lady -- not Spiderman's webbing. Why fight it like it's made of lead covered in mercury sprinkled with SARs?

Then there are the clips of the folks wrapped happily (wrappily?) in their Snuggies. The family kills me, because it further takes me away from the reality of how amazing the backwards housecoat is and how it brings people together (like a cult). First of all, the family is wearing the same colour. I never wore the same colour as my sibling (even if the alternative was baby crap yellow/brown or pus pink). There's no individuality in their choices and I conclude they're part of a cult of backwards-housecoat wearers who go to blanket burnings in a wooded compound -- just watch the end of the commercial -- it's all laid out for you.

The Sham Wow is one informercial that causes heated discussions at parties. Does it work? Does it not work? And here's what I think: You won't know unless you buy it from the strange man in the headset. Once it arrives in six to eight weeks, it will only work if you truly believe in its power. If your Sham Wow just lays there and sucks up nothing (instead it just plain sucks), clapping your hands like it's Tinkerbell won't bring it to life (unless you truly, truly believe...).

Another thing about the Sham Wow commercial is something the guy generalizes about that makes me wonder if I should be offended or not: "It was made in Germany. You know the Germans always make good stuff." And why I'm going off to hell is because the first German-made "stuff" I thought of was a concentration camp (now I'm generalizing). He probably (hopefully) means beer or Volkswagens (more generalizing). I don't know if I should be offended that he lumped in a whole nationality or just to let it go.

Then again, I'm not a fat person and I'm still offended by the prick in the Bowflex commercial. You know the guy -- he looks like Duckie from Pretty in Pink, except now that he's on Two and A Half Men. Everytime I hear the non-word "Bowflex" I think of this prick: "I gave all my fat clothes to my fat friends."

Wow, you call your friends fat? How many fat friends do you have now? What's that? None? Big surprise. Prick.

Fat people don't want to be told they're fat by some musclehead -- they know, they're not stupid like Bowflex pricks.

I don't know what the hell is wrong with these people or how they get on TV, but what the hell is wrong with us, the general public? We're buying this garbage. We're twittering, facebooking, and Youtubing our love (or hate) for these products.

If you bought that Bowflex in an installment plan and don't use it enough to make the cost worth it, buyer beware or be aware of yourself and your loose wallet. If you bought the Snuggie and love the hell out of it, so much that you wear it to work or make love to your spouse in it, good for you: you've just given the infomercial folks an easy target for their next cheaply produced advertisement.

-Girl on the Corner, hiding blankets in her attic from the SS (Snuggie Supporters)