Hockey vs. Baseball

This post is in honour of the 2008-09 season that starts in just a few short days. Originally, this piece was part of a bigger piece that extolled the virtues of Canada and used, only for comparison purposes, our neighbours to the south. This is not meant, in any way, to insult any American readers.


Hockey is to Canada what baseball is to the United States. There are Canadians who profess to dislike hockey, but I’m pretty sure they’re just kidding. A Canadian who doesn’t like hockey is like a college student who doesn’t like extra money; I’ve never met one, and I doubt they exist.

Americans, however, seem to prefer baseball. Baseball is very boring to watch. In baseball, the batting team spends most of its time sitting in a dugout and spitting out streams of tobacco. The players in the field spend most of their time crouched and ready to move in case the batter happens to hit the ball, which doesn’t happen that often. Sometimes, when the batter actually hits the ball and it’s flying out into the infield, he can run to first base. But usually, by the time the batter gets there, the first baseman is already holding the ball. Then the player is out and he has to go back to the dugout, sit down, and spit out streams of tobacco.

And then there is hockey. Hockey is two and a half hours of fast-paced, action-packed, sit-on-the-edge-of-your-seat excitement. Both teams play at the same time and skate so hard and so fast that each player only plays for about a minute at a time so he doesn’t get winded. Where baseball consists mostly of people standing still in one place, hockey is about constant motion. As columnist Andrew Coyne from the National Post writes, “It’s ice dancing, only with more bruises and fewer sequins.”

Speaking of bruises—hockey players are known for their bruises and scars and missing teeth. Baseball players are disabled by violent sneezes (Sammy Sosa), sleeping on their eyes funny (Chris Brown), and straining their elbows flipping sunflower seeds (Greg Harris). In May of 2006, during the playoff games, Oiler, Ryan Smyth was accidentally hit in the face with the puck. Smyth lost three teeth, cracked both lips, and after a quick trip to the locker room for stitches, was back in the game to score the winning goal in overtime. In 1964, Bob Baun of the Toronto Maple Leafs won the Stanley Cup playing on a broken ankle. We can see why we consider our hockey players so heroic. Hockey players play their game harder than anyone expects of them; baseball players miss games for accidentally rubbing chili juice in their eyes (Bret Barberie).

One of baseball’s advantages is that most of the players still have all of their teeth. Besides that very minor detail, hockey is, all around, the better sport.

Mr. Dressup vs. Mr. Rogers

Both Mr. Dressup and Mr. Rogers were popular children’s TV hosts. Their shows ran from the late 60s, and although both these men have since died, their shows have been seen by the current generation of children.

Fred Rogers and Ernie Coombs (Mr. Dressup) came to Canada from the United States in 1963 to develop a children’s show for CBC. Ernie Coombs liked working in Canada so much that he stayed here to work on a show called Butternut Square. His show, Mr. Dressup premiered in 1967. Fred Rogers appeared on CBC as well in the early 60s, then went back to the United States. His show premiered in 1968. Having seen both shows as a child, I can say without hesitation that Mr. Dressup was better.

Mr. Dressup would go into his Tickle Trunk every show and become a wizard, or a pirate, or a big, feathery bird; Mr. Rogers would go into his closet every show and change his shoes. Mr. Dressup was intelligent, fast-paced, and exciting; Mr. Rogers felt that preschoolers could not understand what was being said unless he spoke slowly. His website claims, “He leaves time for children to reflect and respond, and he takes time to prepare them for what will come next and to explain what has happened before.” Kids already know what happened—they were there. And when he “takes the time to prepare them for what will come next,” he is taking away the exciting element of surprise. Mr. Dressup was always part of the fun. He thought up the skit that he and his puppet friends would act out; he often showed us how to make the costumes at craft time, and on every single show, he let go of his pride to have fun with his viewers. Mr. Rogers actually made a point of never appearing in the Neighborhood of Make-Believe. According to his website, he felt that his young viewers would have a hard time sorting out who was a real person and who was make-believe. Funny that we Canadian kids didn’t have a problem figuring out the difference between make-believe and reality while watching Mr. Dressup.

Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood wasn’t all bad; he had some fun tours of factories, and the cranky puppet known as Lady Elaine was pretty entertaining. But when comparing the two, I think we can all agree that Mr. Dressup had the better show.

Summer

Next month will be my two year anniversary of being in Canada, and I still can't get used to the summers here. I come from the land of hot and humid for nine months out of the year. Just to give you an idea, the area is the same subtropical latitude as Egypt's Sinai Peninsula and southern Iraq.

Now that you have that geographical comparison in mind, I'll proceed to describe the summers. Just wait and let me finish before you say "I'd give my right arm to have that weather!" because you might change your mind by the time I'm finished.

By the time late February rolls around, all the plants start to come to life. When you start to see little patches of green, you know to brace yourself for the excruciating summer that's to come. By mid March you're already in shorts and a t-shirt and you're planning a weekend to the beach to lay out. When Easter arrives, most of the flowers have bloomed and you've already had your first sun burn for the year. A little bit after Easter, the air conditioners buzz making the electric bill a stupid amount. In July, you're sweating buckets. Then the hell month (August) arrives and it really does feel like being in hell.

After it rains, you can see the steam come off the roads. It's not a little bit of steam. I mean, it's enough to make the whole area foggy. For those who are brave enough to venture out, you don't wear jeans when doing so. As soon as you open the door, the humidity hits you like a wall of bricks and sometimes you even lose your breath and have to gasp! Your hair immediately frizzes, and if you're wearing any hairspray it melts. There's no hairspray on this earth that can withstand the humidity. Your clothes feel damp almost as if you've just thrown them in the dryer but didn't let them dry completely. Your breathing gets heavier and every stitch of clothing on you feels so much heavier as well. You might think "that's probably only during the day." Nope. My dear friend, it happens day OR night.

Usually starting in early July we'll begin water conservation for the outdoors (or what I call water rationing). You'd think a breeze would be a welcome relief in the day, but it's not. In over 100 degree weather, the breeze will feel like a hot hair dryer blowing on you but it's blowing hot humid air.

There's no point in having leather seats in your car down South. Your car's interior seems to melt. You can't touch your steering wheel (even with the windows cracked!) and you can't sit down or your ass will burn. When you get to the car, you roll down all windows and turn the a/c up full blast. If you're unfortunate to have leather seats, you use a towel or something in an attempt to protect the area that your ass will grace for the commute to and from work.

Hell month is our hottest month. Imagine temperatures that will rise above 100F (40C) with 90% humidity and there will be no rain for weeks. You'll be rationing water STILL, you have to cake the wax on your car to protect the paint, and not to mention this is when the hurricanes start rolling in. There will be a few that'll hit but September is the worst month for hurricanes. There have been times when hurricanes have traveled up the Savannah River and spawned tornadoes in my area. But for the most part, we get the remnants of the storm and that's when we make up for all the rain we have missed all summer.

Canadians take full advantage of the summer and they are out every day and all day doing something outside. For us, when it gets hot you stay inside until it's somewhat bearable.

I don't miss the summers back home, but I do miss hearing the crickets, tree frogs, and June bugs at night. It was like a little insect symphony playing a private concert for my sole enjoyment. It was my lullaby that put me to sleep. When we had our a/c on, I bought a little alarm clock/radio/sound machine that had the insect symphony on it so I could fall asleep even though the windows were closed. All I hear now is the sound of traffic from the highway and sirens.

On summer nights there's a little bit of relief, but you still have to contend with temperatures that would maybe sink to 92F (33C) at around 10pm. You would sit on your front porch in your rocking chair with a glass of iced sweet tea and listen to the bugs singing. Occasionally you'll hear bull frogs calling for ladies. Even on those cool nights you're still sweating. You might not sweat as much, but it's still yucky.

So, when I hear Canadians say "it's gonna be a scorcher," giving advice on how to prevent heat stroke, or say it's hot when it reaches 86F (30C), I laugh. Are you still willing to give your right arm for that weather?